Shawn’s Suggestions: A Planner’s Observations on the Mother/Daughter Wedding Dynamic

By  Event Planner Shawn Rabideau

In planning weddings over the course of the past ten years, I’ve been lucky enough to have met some pretty amazing people, all of whom have taught me a lesson or two. I’ve learned what to say, what not to say, when to say it and when not to say it, how to say it, how not to say it. I’ve learned much of this by observing what I like to call “The Mother / Daughter Tennis Match” — I’ll get back to this in a few…

Let’s face it: there’s no denying that a definite dynamic exists between mothers and daughters. While there’s bond like no other…to break it down very simply, there are those that get along and those that don’t. As a planner, navigating this dynamic can be difficult. Very often we find ourselves in the middle, acting as mediator and therapist – a hybrid role that requires a strong soul, big shoulders and years of experience!

As planners, it is our responsibility to ensure mother and daughter make it to the other side unscathed, with hearts and feelings intact. NOT an easy job, mind you…but one that allows us to see the fruits of our labor or, at the very least, perhaps maintain everyone’s sanity.

I once read that planning a wedding can be as stressful as moving or experiencing a death in the family. Not very encouraging, eh? In my years of observation I often find it’s even more stressful when mother and daughter plan the wedding together! What one likes the other hates, what one thinks is tacky the other sees as sophisticated, one wants tradition the other says “hell NO”! Thus “The Mother / Daughter Tennis Match.” It involves a lot of back and forth and no one really wins the match. It results in a lot of hard feelings that honestly could be avoided if each took the time to listen and see where the other is coming from.

Therefore, I am offering up a few tips (or “Shawn’s Suggestions”) that both Mother and Daughter can use to make the entire wedding planning experience more enjoyable.

Shawn’s Suggestions for Mom

1 – Enjoy the glow of the engagement.

Your daughter’s engagement should be celebrated, not rushed-through! Enjoy the glow of the engagement and plan later. I suggest that you allow at least a week to celebrate before you begin the planning process, as this will allow you to enjoy the happiness of the engagement. Don’t ask too many questions…just celebrate! Trust me: everything will fall into place, even a week later.

2 – This isn’t your wedding…bottom line!

You had yours, let her have hers…this is the one thing I can’t stress enough! Just because you didn’t like the way your mom planned your wedding, doesn’t mean you have to live vicariously through your daughter. This is her big day, this is her dream.

Take a moment to remember back when you were a little girl at the age of 12. Remember when you had your wedding all planned out, how the ceremony would look, what music would be played? Guess what! She has the same dream! Although the vision is most likely different from yours doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Now, if she wants to come down the aisle on a flying trapeze escorted by the Zambini Twins…well, I am in your corner. Even I have my opinions of what’s right and wrong. And that, my dear…is WRONG!

Seriously, let her live her wedding dream. You already had yours, whether you liked it or not.

3 – Shhhh…Listen, don’t speak!

The best advice I can give to any mother of the bride is to listen. Listen to what your daughter has to say, what her real wants are. Let her speak, let her have her voice. I find most moms do not listen (same goes for their daughters, but I’ll address that later). IF both parties listen to what the other is saying, a lot of heartache can be avoided.

I know this is hard for most mothers, as they really do want what is best for their daughters. But truly listen to what your daughter is saying. Don’t be quick with a “no” or a “yes.” Talk it through…set up a bi-weekly “date” where you can discuss wedding plans. Ask why she wants something, why she thinks it’s important and ask how she would feel if it was missing from the wedding. Ask questions, give answers later. Weigh all options before giving an emphatic “yes” or “no” answer. I strongly believe that by taking this approach you and your daughter will have an enjoyable experience and perhaps become best friends.

4 – It’s our money, we’ll plan your wedding how we want…

You do not know how often I hear this from both the mother and the daughter during the planning process. This is by far the BIGGEST argument when it comes to wedding planning. Listen, you will get no argument from me on how to spend your money if you indeed are paying for the wedding. What matters most is how you approach the situation with your daughter. In my experience, most of my clients (daughters) have a huge respect for their parents and the money that is gifted to the wedding. As parents, there is no need to keep reminding your daughter of this. Holding this over her head will only make the process less enjoyable for both you and her.

Instead, follow the advice in item #3. Ask how much an item or service costs, and if it’s above budget ask what she might be willing to cut. Ask if she would be willing to pay the difference. Then there’s the other side: denying something outright because you don’t like it or it isn’t your taste can also cause issues and arguments. Ask your daughter if she would be open to other options that make both of you happy. Again, the whole idea here is to keep the lines of communication open, and look for solutions that work for everyone.

5 – Encourage…don’t criticize.

As humans, I think it is so much easier for us to criticize rather than support. My mother (and all mothers) follows the old saying “if you have nothing nice to say then don’t say it at all.” Unfortunately, in some instances mothers need to heed their own advice. So often in a consultation I hear mothers criticize to the point that I want to tell them to “hush.” I don’t think they even realize they are doing it. I believe they often think they are being helpful and caring. However, what they are really doing is causing major stress and anxiety for the bride, which in the end results in confrontation that then causes further stress.

The best thing to do is either to say nothing, or be supportive and understand that although you might not like something this IS your daughter’s wedding. These are her wishes, so support them. Seeing the smile on her face should naturally allow you to encourage her, thus creating a positive and memorable planning experience.

Shawn’s Suggestions for the Bride-to-Be

1 – Enjoy the engagement.

Just as this rule applies to mom, it should also apply to you. Take time to enjoy the glow of the moment. Don’t rush to mom and dad and begin at rapid fire telling them everything you want for your wedding. You will never get another moment like this ever, so enjoy it; soak it in. After a week or so, sit down with your parents and discuss the ideas for your wedding.

2 – Prioritize your priorities.

Your mom knows you pretty well, but I bet she isn’t a mind reader. Therefore, after the engagement dust has settled, take time to write down everything you want for your wedding; prioritize it. What is important to you, what is important to your fiancé and what is important to each of the families. This will begin to lay the groundwork for the planning process and will allow your mom to understand the type of wedding you want. It helps put everyone on the same page.

3 – Mom…can I borrow some money?

Borrowing money is never easy, but if you must, sit down with your parents and honestly discuss what you think the wedding will cost. If you have done your research and if you show due diligence – that you aren’t going to make your parents broke planning your wedding – your actions will speak louder than words. Take the approach that you are not going to be willy-nilly with their money. Be upfront and express that you know there is a budget and anything over a certain amount you will surely consult them on (especially if they are writing the checks). Bottom line: be open, upfront and honest about your wedding finances. It will show you respect your parents’ money and they will be more willing to help.

4 – Shhhh…Listen, don’t speak!

I gave this advice to moms and I’m giving it to daughters. Listen, listen, listen. Listen to what your mom has to say. Hear her out…if she is able to do this for you, you should be able to do it for her. I encourage you to read #3 under the moms section…this is advice you both should take to heart.

5 – Have fun!

Most importantly, if your mom sees you having fun, she will have fun. Remember, it’s her job to want what’s best for you. So if she sees you stressing or struggling, she is going to want to jump in and make things right so you feel better. Take each thing that comes your way with a grain of salt. Remember you are planning a wedding, not saving puppies and kittens in Rwanda.

In the end, planning your wedding with your mom or your daughter should be fun and stress-free. It should create a stronger bond between the two of you. I love sitting back and being a fly on the wall when moms and daughters laugh, smile and truly enjoy the process. Creating happy memories that last a lifetime – that’s why I make my living planning weddings.

Shawn Rabideau Events & Design is a one-of-a-kind firm that believes that the client comes first. Always elegant, innovative and classic, Shawn makes the event yours. Shawn can soon be seen as  Bethenny Frankles planner on Bethany Gets Married in June.